Last year during one of the darker times I had I randomly ran into an old friend that gifted me a great insight.
It was thanksgiving day and, like many holidays, I was a mess but this year I was house to try and decompress. After numbing my pain with a joint I suddenly realized I was starving and dove into a bowl of soup she had made. Noticing I was struggling and having dealt with their own issues my friend offered me this nugget of knowledge, they said “ the first step to mental health is food”. Desperate for any shred of help I took what they said to heart and started eating, but really eating.
For as long as I can remember, I have deprived myself of any real joy when it comes to food. Always watching the scale, never ordering what I really wanted. This became very normal... but as I started to feed myself, guilt free, I quickly realized just how much I had been starving my soul. I thought I could hide behind a thin frame and be fine but the reality is no one is safe from the crippling standards society places on us. I worry sometimes that my neuroses about food has now shifted to working out but I’ll tell you, I much rather be gaining strength than counting calories. My clothes are not fitting either, but that’s also fine because trying to fit into the old me was just not working anymore.
Turning to food as a healing tool has been profound. By removing the judgment I had created around eating I am able to actually give myself what I’m needing in the most basic form. For me healing has been about understanding those needs and also my desires on the deepest levels. I’m thankful for what my friend shared because it illuminated just how deep-seeded the disease for perfection really is.
Shibari & Photos by: Shane King